Another World

There is something I would like to share about a place that has become an escape for me. It's a place that has become a second home for me in different ways. And that place is...the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.

I remember going to the Faire many, many years ago while in Middle School. I remember being brought up onto a stage by someone that was with the Queen at the time. I vaguely remember what they look like though. I remember I was happy. I wanted to be there. It wasn't until 2005 that I went again, and I wanted to keep going. 2008 came, and I was able to go to the Faire with the summer camp I work with. I fell in love. That season, I went quite a few times, and during that time, I have met some incredible people. And made some really good friends, too.

The Faire has become an escape for me. I step in through those magical gates and step into an entirely different world. Nothing that goes on on the outside gates matters that much. I forget about any of the troubles that I have been going through and enjoy myself. I enjoy time with the friends I've made there, and the people I know. I do what I want to do in that time, because it takes me away from all things that have been bothering me. It's a real escape for me to step into another time and place.

I am grateful that I am able to make the drive there and be able to experience this kind of magic. I am grateful for the people I have met and the people I will meet there. I know that we all will enjoy each others company through-out the season. I am grateful for the actors who walk the streets of the Shire and engage each and every patron with a smile and greeting; and for stopping to talk to people and get them involved. It's incredible, and I am in love with the place and the people there!

What more can I say?? I'm a Rennie.

Day One

Today was the first day of my work out regiment that I have planned for myself. I am going to be getting up early each morning before work to do Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. I've done it before, but not for 30 consecutive days. I've done it here and there, but never really done it each day. The first few days are always tough, because my body is changing with the program. I've already been eating better. I don't over-eat as much as I used to in the past, which is definitely a step up. I've lost the 40lbs that I gained two summers ago in a matter of 4 months. And ever since then I have been on a funk. I cannot seem to figure out what is going on, but I know what it is. I'm eating right, yes, BUT I have to start in with the work outs. I want to be in a better place with my body. I'm not comfortable with how I look, and I never have been. So here's the start of my new take on working out. It's hard. Countless times during the dvd I had to catch my breath. But as Jillian says in the DVD, "If you need to rest, do it only for 5 seconds, then get right back into it." She wants our bodies to change, and to induce change - you have to put pressure on your body. I want to have that body image in my head of me wearing smaller sizes in clothes. I'm striving towards it, and for me to get there, I have to push myself.

Stay tuned for the next installment of my 30 day work out! And much more...

On My Way!

I am definitely on my way. On Thursday, I joined Weight Watchers Online and am SO pumped to kick the last of these pounds! I just have to encourage myself to stay within my daily points and not go over. I'm so happy with myself! I really do hope that I can do this and break passed the weight that I've been wanting to lose for a long time now.

I'm just ready to get rid of these pounds and be able to fit into the clothes that I've been wanting to for sooooo long!

Keep posted for my updates on my progress. I'm really excited and proud of myself!! :)

"Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind." (Alice Meynell)

I don't know why, but my mind seems to come alive at night. The silence awakens something inside and the words just flow out. It's the calmness of the night that allows me to think clearly on the day, or whatever can be on my mind.

Things have escalated the past week. I started talking to a guy. He's...amazing. We haven't met in person, but the way we talk on the phone makes me feel like we've known each other for a long time. I know, I know. With my history of meeting people over the internet...I shouldn't do it again. I know. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to even meet someone through the dating site I joined. I really didn't, and I haven't been on it for even a month yet. We talked for so long on the phone...twice we've done that, and well, we get along. We mesh, which is definitely a good thing. We talked about anything and everything, and it was nice to have someone like that for a change. There are so many things that have conspired between the two of us, that we've already had a few serious discussions. Well, one big one. It was a bit heart breaking at first, but I came to the realization that I hadn't even met this man in person yet and I was getting upset about it. Why was I getting upset about it in the first place? Perhaps it's because I was so excited that he and I were able to even talk about such a thing and we're so into each other - we make each other laugh, and we're just. He and I are friends right now. I can tell you that much. It's just, the discussion we had made me think really hard on so many different levels. I've had to question myself, and seek advice. But yet again, I had to stop myself because I've only known the guy a week. A week. Why am I rocketing myself into something that hasn't even left the ground yet? I don't understand why I do that, but I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't think so hard into things when there's nothing to be done about it yet. I haven't met him in person; therefore, I cannot make any concrete decisions. But...what's the harm in talking about it with friends and getting their advice? No harm, really.

Oye. I just have a lot on my plate right now. SO much to do, AND to top it all off. I have, tonight, come up with a room to-do list. Yes. For those that have seen the depths of my azurean room, you know that it's catastrophic. For an entire month I have been working 7 days straight, and hadn't caught a break. And now that I'm back to working six days a week, I have Sundays off. Now. I've compiled a list that I need to get done with my room. And I'm praying. PRAYING. That I'll be able to get it done. I have to. It's mandatory. I know it'll be incredibly hard, but...in the end - it'll be worth it.

The thing that really got me thinking about cleaning MY room is the show, "Clean House". I watch the show incessantly. I've watched and really would love for my room to be organized and not for it to be the cluttered chaos that it is now. I have too many shirts -- I have to admit I'm a shirt horder. I love the vintage tees from Hot Topic, and have a few. So I have to get a few out. I have to get storage containers. I have to get my DVDs organzied, too. Closet. Clothes. Desk. Bookshelf. So much to do. I have to get it done, and I know I'll feel like I have accomplished something when I have gotten it done! I just have to get it all done in increments.

Pray for me while I attempt to clean my cluttered chaos, and aim for clean happiness...and a happy room.

Taking the Initiative

There have been things lately that I haven't been able to really comprehend. Things that I haven't really considered even posting here. I bought an actual journal last weekend, and have written in it a few times already, and it's helped so much. But there are times I find myself wondering what the entire world thinks about things. So here goes, and feel free to pass judgement; it's in our human nature to do so.

Things in my life haven't been what I call smooth, as of lately. I've been working my ass off at my two jobs, and I feel so grateful that I have a job in this day and age. But then the bills come, and I realize that all my hard work goes to something that I really wish I didn't have to pay. It's not only bills that have made me think about life, because they are far from my mind at this point in time. I find myself not as happy as I wish I could be...

Last night I went to up to the Victorian Christmas in town, and there were a lot of people there. I haven't seen so many people in town in quite some time. But the teenagers were terrible. They idled in the streets and sidewalks, and made the scene quite impossible to enjoy. It was another night for them to be able to be out and about, but they seemed to just not get the idea of the time that the town had set up. I forgave them for not holding the door open at Wawa, and not stepping to the side when I said, "Excuse me." But there comes a time and a place when you need to just push past people in order to get to where you need to go. And that's exactly what I did, I had to sweep past most of them. I walked on my own through the streets that I have known so very well since I was a kid. I walked through the Park, and caught a glimpse of the man as Santa Claus, and the children about him so excited to see him. They couldn't wait to sit up on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas. It was a treat to see, honestly. I continued my way up through the park and to the Church. I could see up ahead the carriage rides. The 76 Carriage Company from Philadelphia had made the journey to give those that bought advanced tickets rides in the carriages. The horses were gorgeous, and I stood and watched them make their way away and around the block. It was then I went into the church and listened to a bit of the caroling. I walked home that night frustrated and distraught at the teenagers I had to push through in order to get home after stopping to get food. I had to get over it, and I did, but it was frustrating, nonetheless.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Because I find it funny how "pushing" and "shoving" is a way you have to do things in the world in order to succeed, and to get yourself noticed. It's something I haven't had to do, but I want to shove past SO many things and get on with what I want to do in life. I didn't get accepted to Wilson College, which was a downer. I must admit that, but it won't slow me down. I know I have to finish my Associate's and then I'm going to re-apply.

I'm taking the initiative and am going to do a bit of "pushing" and a bit of "shoving" to get what I need done in order to be happier and achieve what I need to.

And I'm hoping I can. :)

It's Been A While....

It has been a while since I've posted much of anything lately in this. Months, actually. A lot has happened.

I've fluctuated with weight, once again. I cannot seem to grasp what is good and what isn't. Well, I can. I just don't have the will power. I need to start getting back into the swing of eating right. I lost so much weight since last November - 40lbs. to be exact. And I'm at a stand still. I have been for a while. I don't know what's wrong at all. Oye. I have to get back on track! I will. Just have to start from the beginning.

Another thing is - I haven't been able to horseback ride. The last time I rode was the student horse show at Thorncroft. And that was at the end of January. Since then, I've worked every Monday and Tuesday there. I haven't paid my bill, which has been hard to do. I haven't ridden, and it really, really sucks! I miss it so much. I am so jealous of those that are able to ride, and I stand by. It'll all work out. I hope.

Bruno passed away. It was the most saddest thing I have experienced. I worked with Bruno when I was able to get to know the horses at Thorncroft. He was feisty, even if he was 17 at the time. He was just adorable. I fell in love with him! He was much like a big puppy dog, and he always was to me. I loved him, and still do. Even with being the shortest pony in the barn, he had the biggest heart. He was just adorable. I'm so glad that I was able to have Bruno in my life. He has certainly touched me and left hoof prints on my heart (as did Razz). Monday night is when it was to happen. It was a sad night. While out under the apple tree, the horses in the field came up, one by one, and were standing there eating with Bruno. They were on opposite sides of the fence, but...they knew. Once we knew it was over, silence was all that was around us. I have never heard so much silence before. And then, there were horses that called out. I started to cry. Maire let me have some of his tail, which I have resting over the painting of Razz. Bruno will never be forgotten.

Bruno
(1986-2009)

ugh...

Last week I posted about my depression and anxiety. It's gotten slightly better, but not entirely. I did talk to my doctor last week and she got me back on my medicine. They haven't really worked yet, which will be about next week. So we'll see how things go. Things this week have just been off. Tuesday: I didn't sleep at all that night. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. It's been going on for the past 3-4 weeks now. I've been waking up in the middle of the night burping and crap. It's not fun AT ALL. Sooo Tuesday afternoon I went to my doctor and talked with him about it. He told me to schedule an Upper GI appointment, and also get a sleep study done. So I made the GI appointment. Wednesday morning: Chest pain that went down to my stomach and back up again; trouble breathing, chills. Went to the ER. They gave me a GI cocktail, which had lydacane (not sure how to spell it), maalox, and some other stuff. But it numbed my throat and coated my stomach. Then they shot me up with ativan - the best shit in the world - it's a muscle relaxer. They said it could be acid reflux, but didn't give me anything for it. So they told me to go ahead and get the upper gi test. I got that done yesterday morning. Then went to work. This morning. Oh my gosh...woke up with horrible stomach pains. I don't even know what time it was, because I didn't have my glasses on. I just know that I was getting sick in the bathroom, and my mom found me this morning asleep on the bathroom floor. Yay...not really. I didn't have a fever, but I was in pain. I'm still in some pain, but not as much as I was. I called my doctor, left a message for her, and then she called me back and gave me something for it. GOD someone finally gave me SOMETHING so I don't have all this acid in me! It's uncomfortable and I really, really hate it! I just have to stay away from acidic foods, which is gonna be so hard for me...no pizza...NO HOAGIES! I love hoagies, they are my absolute favorite thing in the world to eat! :: cries :: Ugh....I'm sure I'll be able to eat them eventually...but I can't right now and it SUCKS!!

I know. I'm rambling. Oye. But it's just...hard!