I suppose starting from the beginning would be a good place to start. Sept 13 I went into the ER for severe abdominal pain. Turns out it was acute appendicitis. I was going under for surgery by 6:30 that night and was unable to work for an entire week cause I wasn't able to lift anything and the pain meds I was on. It's in times like these that you find out who your friends are. Granted, Facebook posts are all right with me, because that's how most people communicate these days. For the entire week, there were only a select few that kept in touch with me (besides family). It wasn't fun for me having to stay home. Yes, it was like a mini-vacation, but I really wasn't thrilled that I had to use vacation time for it. Anyways. The only cards I got were from my sister and aunt, balloons from sister and niece and my parents spoiled me and took care of me. Other than that, I didn't get much, not even from work (from where I have been for five years now). Nothing. I just really don't like how I have been so nice to people. I always am. I pitch in if someone needs something and chip in for people at work. That first day back at work was the worst. I went home and cried because of how terrible I felt and how replaceable I felt. It's almost as if me being gone from surgery didn't phase them-work, I mean. It just seems to me like they pick and choose who they want to favor, who they want to do nice things for. It's not fair. At all. And now I have these scars on my stomach and I hate how they look. Yes, they're apart of me now but it sucks that I feel so not me.
I don't feel like I used to. I've been happy, yes, but not...me. There are so many things going on in my life that I just can't get over the fact that I feel so expendable. That if something happens, it won't matter to people. Yeah, I know, totally different from my facebook/twitter updates most of the time, but I don't care. This is how I feel. People put on on acts all the time to hide their pain. This is me showing that I'm in pain. I'm not me. I need to find where I belong. It'll take time, but I need to find what makes me feel good. I have faith that I can overcome this obstacle and find my place in this world. I know I can. I really hope I can.
