Lacking

So many things have perspired in the past couple of weeks. I find myself smiling...smiling about what? Different things that could happen, or have happened. I really don't remember the last time I smiled as much as I have in the past few weeks. I've enjoyed the company of so many people, so many great friends...

But what I want is still lacking. It's been two years since my last serious relationship. I was engaged. To a man that really hadn't grown up. He considered playing video games all night on XBOX and on the computer fun. I did, but I wanted to go out. His way of going out was getting food from WaWa thus letting me gain forty pounds. I was unhappy. It was one of the most unhappiest times of my life when I was with him that last summer of 2008. I remember not being happy, and everyone around me could see it. But I didn't. I talked to my parents one night, and then my friends. I wasn't happy with him, or with how I had been. I was unhealthy. Completely. It was a toxic relationship. There was a major deal breaker, and that really closed the deal on me not wanting to be with him anymore. For those that now, I'm proud of myself to have given him the boot.

The day he left, he was upset. He was crying. I wasn't. I was glad to see him go. He hadn't worked hard enough to make the relationship work. He and I both pushed each other away. I did not want to be in something that brought me down so much. Over the next couple of days, my mom would tell me that it wasn't right for me to have dismissed his feelings. He had dismissed mine long before that. He was the reason I didn't want to be in a relationship for the longest time. And after so much time, so many nights alone, I want to be in one again. I miss having someone to talk to, to laugh with, to cuddle with. I miss having someone look me in the eye and tell me that I'm worth it. That I'm beautiful. That I mean something to them...I don't want to wait any longer. And I do not, DO NOT, want to sound desperate, because I'm not. I'm just exhausted of carrying so much weight on my shoulders, because I have no one to talk to really...

There's no one that really knows me, because I am such a private person. But I want to open up to someone. I want to show myself to someone that I know would want to be apart of me and my life. My life is a mess, just like my room at the moment. Yes, I have a steady full-time job, and a part-time job on Saturdays. But that doesn't mean I have it all together. Who of us really does anyway? I know I don't. I haven't for a while...

 I can't talk to anyone at work. I don't feel like I can express myself there to anyone. I'm not one for really wanting my life put out there with my co-workers because I feel that they will go and talk about it to someone else there. The whole wedding drama is something I'm not happy with, and it isn't fair, but I ignore it. Why? Because no one there really listens to what I have to say about it...

It hurts like hell that I don't have someone that I can call up and talk to. I don't want to bother anyone with what I'm going through, because everyone is going through something. This blog is the only way I can express myself and tell the world what I'm feeling. Even if it's the super short version of it all. I feel really good when I get everything out here, even if it's not everything. It's something. I've put something out here...and it makes me feel a tiny bit better...