Lacking

So many things have perspired in the past couple of weeks. I find myself smiling...smiling about what? Different things that could happen, or have happened. I really don't remember the last time I smiled as much as I have in the past few weeks. I've enjoyed the company of so many people, so many great friends...

But what I want is still lacking. It's been two years since my last serious relationship. I was engaged. To a man that really hadn't grown up. He considered playing video games all night on XBOX and on the computer fun. I did, but I wanted to go out. His way of going out was getting food from WaWa thus letting me gain forty pounds. I was unhappy. It was one of the most unhappiest times of my life when I was with him that last summer of 2008. I remember not being happy, and everyone around me could see it. But I didn't. I talked to my parents one night, and then my friends. I wasn't happy with him, or with how I had been. I was unhealthy. Completely. It was a toxic relationship. There was a major deal breaker, and that really closed the deal on me not wanting to be with him anymore. For those that now, I'm proud of myself to have given him the boot.

The day he left, he was upset. He was crying. I wasn't. I was glad to see him go. He hadn't worked hard enough to make the relationship work. He and I both pushed each other away. I did not want to be in something that brought me down so much. Over the next couple of days, my mom would tell me that it wasn't right for me to have dismissed his feelings. He had dismissed mine long before that. He was the reason I didn't want to be in a relationship for the longest time. And after so much time, so many nights alone, I want to be in one again. I miss having someone to talk to, to laugh with, to cuddle with. I miss having someone look me in the eye and tell me that I'm worth it. That I'm beautiful. That I mean something to them...I don't want to wait any longer. And I do not, DO NOT, want to sound desperate, because I'm not. I'm just exhausted of carrying so much weight on my shoulders, because I have no one to talk to really...

There's no one that really knows me, because I am such a private person. But I want to open up to someone. I want to show myself to someone that I know would want to be apart of me and my life. My life is a mess, just like my room at the moment. Yes, I have a steady full-time job, and a part-time job on Saturdays. But that doesn't mean I have it all together. Who of us really does anyway? I know I don't. I haven't for a while...

 I can't talk to anyone at work. I don't feel like I can express myself there to anyone. I'm not one for really wanting my life put out there with my co-workers because I feel that they will go and talk about it to someone else there. The whole wedding drama is something I'm not happy with, and it isn't fair, but I ignore it. Why? Because no one there really listens to what I have to say about it...

It hurts like hell that I don't have someone that I can call up and talk to. I don't want to bother anyone with what I'm going through, because everyone is going through something. This blog is the only way I can express myself and tell the world what I'm feeling. Even if it's the super short version of it all. I feel really good when I get everything out here, even if it's not everything. It's something. I've put something out here...and it makes me feel a tiny bit better...

Hi. I'm a bookaholic. Have we met?

I've thus named myself a bookaholic. I've been a lover of books for as long as I can remember. My mom even remembers me always loving books.

There's just something about running your hand over the cover a new book and feeling the pages between your fingers. Seeing the words on the page and you dive into a world created by the author for you to read. I have dove into so many great reads the past few months that it's hard to name them all. Here's a few though...

Have Read:
"Barefoot" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Summer People" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown
"Garden Spells" by Sarah Addison Allen
"The Sugar Queen" by Sarah Addison Allen
"The Girl Who Chased The Moon" by Sarah Addison Allen
"True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks
"The Horse Boy" by Rupert Isaacson
"Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen
"Riding Lessons" by Sara Gruen
"Flying Changes" by Sara Gruen
"A Bend in the Road" by Nicholas Sparks
"Clockwork Angel" by Cassandra Clare
"The Mortal Instrument" Trilogy by Cassandra Clare (actually read quite a while, but wanted to include them)

I do have a big stack of books that have yet to be read, and I'll try to remember and strike them off the list once they are read...bare with me - it's a long list!

To Be Read:
"Son of a Witch" by Gregory Maquire
"A Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maquire
"Halo" by Alexandra Adornetto
"The Island" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Fairy Tale" by Cyn Balog
"Sleepless" by Cyn Balog
"Summer Affair"; "Blue Bistro"; "The Castaways"; "Nantucket Nights" all by Elin Hilderbrand
"On Mystic Lake" by Kristin Hannah
"The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks
"The Cradle" by Patrick Somerville
"Someone Else's Daughter" by Elizabeth Brundage
"The Host" by Stephenie Meyer

Yes, that is a LONG list! I don't care. All those books will be read. There are books that I am currently in the middle of, too! But that list is short. I'm finishing up "The Hunger Games" trilogy. Didn't take me that long to read at all. And then I promised my friend I'd read "Eat Pray Love" so her and I can go see the movie. So I know what book I'm reading next, at least. After that, I'm in no man's land.

Also, I know I would like to have one of those electronic book things. But...I don't want to stare at a screen all the time. It'd be GREAT for traveling, if I traveled, that is. Getting one of those, to me, would make me lose the connection with the author. I wouldn't be able to feel the cover of the book and flip through the pages. I would just be staring at a screen and with a press of a button, the page would turn. I'm not against it at all, but makes it less personable to me. Having a book physically in my hands makes everything more comforting. Knowing that I can snuggle up under the blankets and read, or sit down at the peach or by a pool and read. It's something I love to do, and reading brings out a new world for me. I cannot tell you how many times I have lost track of time because of me reading a book. I love the feeling of being taken away to another world, and getting attached to the characters in each of the books.

Books have their way of letting me escape from reality and step into a world where my imagination is key.

Books are something I cherish, and they are apart of me.

Another World

There is something I would like to share about a place that has become an escape for me. It's a place that has become a second home for me in different ways. And that place is...the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.

I remember going to the Faire many, many years ago while in Middle School. I remember being brought up onto a stage by someone that was with the Queen at the time. I vaguely remember what they look like though. I remember I was happy. I wanted to be there. It wasn't until 2005 that I went again, and I wanted to keep going. 2008 came, and I was able to go to the Faire with the summer camp I work with. I fell in love. That season, I went quite a few times, and during that time, I have met some incredible people. And made some really good friends, too.

The Faire has become an escape for me. I step in through those magical gates and step into an entirely different world. Nothing that goes on on the outside gates matters that much. I forget about any of the troubles that I have been going through and enjoy myself. I enjoy time with the friends I've made there, and the people I know. I do what I want to do in that time, because it takes me away from all things that have been bothering me. It's a real escape for me to step into another time and place.

I am grateful that I am able to make the drive there and be able to experience this kind of magic. I am grateful for the people I have met and the people I will meet there. I know that we all will enjoy each others company through-out the season. I am grateful for the actors who walk the streets of the Shire and engage each and every patron with a smile and greeting; and for stopping to talk to people and get them involved. It's incredible, and I am in love with the place and the people there!

What more can I say?? I'm a Rennie.

Day One

Today was the first day of my work out regiment that I have planned for myself. I am going to be getting up early each morning before work to do Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. I've done it before, but not for 30 consecutive days. I've done it here and there, but never really done it each day. The first few days are always tough, because my body is changing with the program. I've already been eating better. I don't over-eat as much as I used to in the past, which is definitely a step up. I've lost the 40lbs that I gained two summers ago in a matter of 4 months. And ever since then I have been on a funk. I cannot seem to figure out what is going on, but I know what it is. I'm eating right, yes, BUT I have to start in with the work outs. I want to be in a better place with my body. I'm not comfortable with how I look, and I never have been. So here's the start of my new take on working out. It's hard. Countless times during the dvd I had to catch my breath. But as Jillian says in the DVD, "If you need to rest, do it only for 5 seconds, then get right back into it." She wants our bodies to change, and to induce change - you have to put pressure on your body. I want to have that body image in my head of me wearing smaller sizes in clothes. I'm striving towards it, and for me to get there, I have to push myself.

Stay tuned for the next installment of my 30 day work out! And much more...

On My Way!

I am definitely on my way. On Thursday, I joined Weight Watchers Online and am SO pumped to kick the last of these pounds! I just have to encourage myself to stay within my daily points and not go over. I'm so happy with myself! I really do hope that I can do this and break passed the weight that I've been wanting to lose for a long time now.

I'm just ready to get rid of these pounds and be able to fit into the clothes that I've been wanting to for sooooo long!

Keep posted for my updates on my progress. I'm really excited and proud of myself!! :)

"Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind." (Alice Meynell)

I don't know why, but my mind seems to come alive at night. The silence awakens something inside and the words just flow out. It's the calmness of the night that allows me to think clearly on the day, or whatever can be on my mind.

Things have escalated the past week. I started talking to a guy. He's...amazing. We haven't met in person, but the way we talk on the phone makes me feel like we've known each other for a long time. I know, I know. With my history of meeting people over the internet...I shouldn't do it again. I know. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to even meet someone through the dating site I joined. I really didn't, and I haven't been on it for even a month yet. We talked for so long on the phone...twice we've done that, and well, we get along. We mesh, which is definitely a good thing. We talked about anything and everything, and it was nice to have someone like that for a change. There are so many things that have conspired between the two of us, that we've already had a few serious discussions. Well, one big one. It was a bit heart breaking at first, but I came to the realization that I hadn't even met this man in person yet and I was getting upset about it. Why was I getting upset about it in the first place? Perhaps it's because I was so excited that he and I were able to even talk about such a thing and we're so into each other - we make each other laugh, and we're just. He and I are friends right now. I can tell you that much. It's just, the discussion we had made me think really hard on so many different levels. I've had to question myself, and seek advice. But yet again, I had to stop myself because I've only known the guy a week. A week. Why am I rocketing myself into something that hasn't even left the ground yet? I don't understand why I do that, but I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't think so hard into things when there's nothing to be done about it yet. I haven't met him in person; therefore, I cannot make any concrete decisions. But...what's the harm in talking about it with friends and getting their advice? No harm, really.

Oye. I just have a lot on my plate right now. SO much to do, AND to top it all off. I have, tonight, come up with a room to-do list. Yes. For those that have seen the depths of my azurean room, you know that it's catastrophic. For an entire month I have been working 7 days straight, and hadn't caught a break. And now that I'm back to working six days a week, I have Sundays off. Now. I've compiled a list that I need to get done with my room. And I'm praying. PRAYING. That I'll be able to get it done. I have to. It's mandatory. I know it'll be incredibly hard, but...in the end - it'll be worth it.

The thing that really got me thinking about cleaning MY room is the show, "Clean House". I watch the show incessantly. I've watched and really would love for my room to be organized and not for it to be the cluttered chaos that it is now. I have too many shirts -- I have to admit I'm a shirt horder. I love the vintage tees from Hot Topic, and have a few. So I have to get a few out. I have to get storage containers. I have to get my DVDs organzied, too. Closet. Clothes. Desk. Bookshelf. So much to do. I have to get it done, and I know I'll feel like I have accomplished something when I have gotten it done! I just have to get it all done in increments.

Pray for me while I attempt to clean my cluttered chaos, and aim for clean happiness...and a happy room.

Taking the Initiative

There have been things lately that I haven't been able to really comprehend. Things that I haven't really considered even posting here. I bought an actual journal last weekend, and have written in it a few times already, and it's helped so much. But there are times I find myself wondering what the entire world thinks about things. So here goes, and feel free to pass judgement; it's in our human nature to do so.

Things in my life haven't been what I call smooth, as of lately. I've been working my ass off at my two jobs, and I feel so grateful that I have a job in this day and age. But then the bills come, and I realize that all my hard work goes to something that I really wish I didn't have to pay. It's not only bills that have made me think about life, because they are far from my mind at this point in time. I find myself not as happy as I wish I could be...

Last night I went to up to the Victorian Christmas in town, and there were a lot of people there. I haven't seen so many people in town in quite some time. But the teenagers were terrible. They idled in the streets and sidewalks, and made the scene quite impossible to enjoy. It was another night for them to be able to be out and about, but they seemed to just not get the idea of the time that the town had set up. I forgave them for not holding the door open at Wawa, and not stepping to the side when I said, "Excuse me." But there comes a time and a place when you need to just push past people in order to get to where you need to go. And that's exactly what I did, I had to sweep past most of them. I walked on my own through the streets that I have known so very well since I was a kid. I walked through the Park, and caught a glimpse of the man as Santa Claus, and the children about him so excited to see him. They couldn't wait to sit up on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas. It was a treat to see, honestly. I continued my way up through the park and to the Church. I could see up ahead the carriage rides. The 76 Carriage Company from Philadelphia had made the journey to give those that bought advanced tickets rides in the carriages. The horses were gorgeous, and I stood and watched them make their way away and around the block. It was then I went into the church and listened to a bit of the caroling. I walked home that night frustrated and distraught at the teenagers I had to push through in order to get home after stopping to get food. I had to get over it, and I did, but it was frustrating, nonetheless.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Because I find it funny how "pushing" and "shoving" is a way you have to do things in the world in order to succeed, and to get yourself noticed. It's something I haven't had to do, but I want to shove past SO many things and get on with what I want to do in life. I didn't get accepted to Wilson College, which was a downer. I must admit that, but it won't slow me down. I know I have to finish my Associate's and then I'm going to re-apply.

I'm taking the initiative and am going to do a bit of "pushing" and a bit of "shoving" to get what I need done in order to be happier and achieve what I need to.

And I'm hoping I can. :)