It's Been A While....

It has been a while since I've posted much of anything lately in this. Months, actually. A lot has happened.

I've fluctuated with weight, once again. I cannot seem to grasp what is good and what isn't. Well, I can. I just don't have the will power. I need to start getting back into the swing of eating right. I lost so much weight since last November - 40lbs. to be exact. And I'm at a stand still. I have been for a while. I don't know what's wrong at all. Oye. I have to get back on track! I will. Just have to start from the beginning.

Another thing is - I haven't been able to horseback ride. The last time I rode was the student horse show at Thorncroft. And that was at the end of January. Since then, I've worked every Monday and Tuesday there. I haven't paid my bill, which has been hard to do. I haven't ridden, and it really, really sucks! I miss it so much. I am so jealous of those that are able to ride, and I stand by. It'll all work out. I hope.

Bruno passed away. It was the most saddest thing I have experienced. I worked with Bruno when I was able to get to know the horses at Thorncroft. He was feisty, even if he was 17 at the time. He was just adorable. I fell in love with him! He was much like a big puppy dog, and he always was to me. I loved him, and still do. Even with being the shortest pony in the barn, he had the biggest heart. He was just adorable. I'm so glad that I was able to have Bruno in my life. He has certainly touched me and left hoof prints on my heart (as did Razz). Monday night is when it was to happen. It was a sad night. While out under the apple tree, the horses in the field came up, one by one, and were standing there eating with Bruno. They were on opposite sides of the fence, but...they knew. Once we knew it was over, silence was all that was around us. I have never heard so much silence before. And then, there were horses that called out. I started to cry. Maire let me have some of his tail, which I have resting over the painting of Razz. Bruno will never be forgotten.

Bruno
(1986-2009)

ugh...

Last week I posted about my depression and anxiety. It's gotten slightly better, but not entirely. I did talk to my doctor last week and she got me back on my medicine. They haven't really worked yet, which will be about next week. So we'll see how things go. Things this week have just been off. Tuesday: I didn't sleep at all that night. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. It's been going on for the past 3-4 weeks now. I've been waking up in the middle of the night burping and crap. It's not fun AT ALL. Sooo Tuesday afternoon I went to my doctor and talked with him about it. He told me to schedule an Upper GI appointment, and also get a sleep study done. So I made the GI appointment. Wednesday morning: Chest pain that went down to my stomach and back up again; trouble breathing, chills. Went to the ER. They gave me a GI cocktail, which had lydacane (not sure how to spell it), maalox, and some other stuff. But it numbed my throat and coated my stomach. Then they shot me up with ativan - the best shit in the world - it's a muscle relaxer. They said it could be acid reflux, but didn't give me anything for it. So they told me to go ahead and get the upper gi test. I got that done yesterday morning. Then went to work. This morning. Oh my gosh...woke up with horrible stomach pains. I don't even know what time it was, because I didn't have my glasses on. I just know that I was getting sick in the bathroom, and my mom found me this morning asleep on the bathroom floor. Yay...not really. I didn't have a fever, but I was in pain. I'm still in some pain, but not as much as I was. I called my doctor, left a message for her, and then she called me back and gave me something for it. GOD someone finally gave me SOMETHING so I don't have all this acid in me! It's uncomfortable and I really, really hate it! I just have to stay away from acidic foods, which is gonna be so hard for me...no pizza...NO HOAGIES! I love hoagies, they are my absolute favorite thing in the world to eat! :: cries :: Ugh....I'm sure I'll be able to eat them eventually...but I can't right now and it SUCKS!!

I know. I'm rambling. Oye. But it's just...hard!

Suffering....

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I've been feeling like I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything. I'm unhappy, and, honestly, I think I need to be back on my medicine. I think that will make a big difference if I start back up on the medicine so I don't feel so lousy all the time.

I don't feel lousy all the time, but I'm just not feeling like me. I've couped myself up in my room, because I just don't want to do anything anymore. And that's...not right.

I need to talk to my doctor.

Twilight Weekend

I haven't written in this in a while, because I've been sick. It's crazy. The entire month of March, I've been sick. It's terrible! The kids at the day care were sick. There were 3 or 4 of them that went home with 102-103 degree fevers. And I knew I was gonna get sick, and I did. Which SUCKS. I hate being sick. I do. I don't like missing work, but I'm not going to go in and get everyone else sick with whatever I have. Like for the past week or two, I've been having constant bowel movement issues. And so I went to the doctor's this morning, and I have to get testing done. So it'll be interesting. But I'm just worried it could be something serious. I just hope it isn't.

Anyways.

This past weekend was amazing! It was my "Twilight" weekend. Friday after work, I went home and fell asleep so I would be up and ready to go to the Midnight DvD Release Party at Hot Topic at the mall. It was a lot of fun! I was the 21st person to get the dvd. Got a free poster out of the deal, and it was just awesome. I got a picture with the cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen!

I know, I'm a dork. I was the first person to get a picture with him 'cause everyone else was chicken! I set the trend then people went and got pictures with him. :) I felt good to do that. I got my dvd at 12:10am, and went home. When I got there, i watched it, of course. Then I watched the extended scenes. Once that was done, I decided to watch the commentary. I didn't watch all of it, because I was so darn tired. I didn't go to bed till 3:30 in the morning! Then I got up at 7:30 to be at Suncoast by 8 when they open to get my friend's copy. I lingered around in Suncoast, because they were playing the movie, and I wanted to buy another movie. I got out of there at 9, then went and got my new glasses. then i went home, watched some of the commentary then passed out for a few hours. got up, finished the commentary, cleaned my room. I then went to the Emmel's so that Erin and I could watch "Twilight" together. SO much fun! Especially since they have a big flat screen, and surround sound...amazing. I was so happy to watch it! Erin and I did watch soem of the features on the second disc, but I had to get home 'cause I was soooo tired and I had work the next day.

That was my weekend.

Indescribable...

I'm sitting here feeling sore as ever. My entire body is aching from working out at the gym. My head is clogged because of my sinuses and yet I feel...empowered. There are things going on in my life that I've recently discovered that are...difficult, nonetheless. But, I accept them. For instance, my credit cards - I only have 2! - And then there's other things that I'm in desperate need to pay off, but I know that everything WILL work itself out. That everything WILL be ok! This is all thanks to "Confessions of a Shop-a-holic". Granted that I'm in NO WAY a shop-a-holic, but I identified with Rebecca! I'm in debt, and have hardly ANY money to pay for much of ANYTHING right now. But she got through it, and I know I will. It'll take time, of course, BUT I have plenty of time to sort things out and get to where I need to be...

And I missed that feeling...the feeling I get after seeing a great movie...like tonight, I walked out of the theater in a fantastic mood! I'm still on that high. I don't know why I feel this way when I walk out of a movie, but it's....incredible.

Ugh...I'm on such a high right now that there's way too much for me to type about when I can barely write this right now...

Another Day In The Life

Even if it's been a few days, there are things going on in my mind that I'm having trouble with...Valentine's Day was always hard for me...even when I had a boyfriend/fiancee. I never got anything big or spectacular. It was just always low-key. Saturday, I worked at Hallmark...the God of all card/gift shops. And I rang up so many people that were buying last minute gifts...I felt left out. I do not mind being single at all, but the fact that I only got one card...just didn't make me feel special. Aren't you supposed to feel special on a holiday? I mean, Friday, we had the Valentine's Day Party with the kids at work and I did get the little Valentine's, which were cute. But yeah. I don't know. It's my first Valentine's Day without a Valentine in...over five years. It's all good.

Saturday, my tax refund check went through into my account. Guess what i did with it first? I went and bought myself a new laptop. Yesssssss! I am the proud owner of an HP Pavilion Entertainment PC. It runs World of Warcraft oh so well! It doesn't lag, which is just AWESOME! It has Vista, which isn't bad AT ALL. Not entirely sure what people were complaining about....I like it. :) Especially the weather bug on my desktop. So awesome.

I haven't weighed myself since last week...and for all those female bloggers out there you know that time of the month when you are bloated? yeah, that's me right now. :) Sooooo that's something I'll post probably at the end of the week.

I'm off to get some stuff done since my boss was so nice to give me the day off. :)

The Start.

Back in October '08, my co-workers started Weight Watchers. Now, I've been struggling with weight issues for...a long time. It really started when I was fired from my first job, because I ate a cupcake. Yes, I ate a cupcake and was fired. I could've fought for the job, but it wasn't worth it at all. I was 14! It was my first job! I didn't think I was doing anything wrong! For the following year, I gained a lot of weight. Ever since then, I've been struggling trying to get the weight down. It started to work, but then it all hit me when I got engaged. I got engaged on Dec. 25, 2007, and it wasn't until that summer, when he was trying to get a new job, that it started. He started to get lazy. He wouldn't help around the house, he wasn't doing anything but play his video games. I was lucky to get him out for the day to go to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire for the Grand Arrival. It was terrible!! I wasn't happy, but I didn't know it at the time. I didn't see anything wrong with how I was, or how he was. And then it hit me one weekend. It was when I was dog-sitting for a friend and her family while they helped her get back to college. I realized that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I wasn't happy at all. I couldn't be with him. Turns out that people around me knew that I wasn't happy, but they didn't want to say something about it and get me upset. It's a good thing I figured it out on my own...really is. I started to really see how dissatisfied I was with how I looked. I hated how my body looked. I hated how big my belly was in the pictures I looked at from over the summer. I hated how I looked. So when my friend started Weight Watchers....I knew I had to do it. So I started in November of '08.

Fast forward three months and here I am...25lbs lighter!! I'm 50lbs from my goal weight, and I couldn't be any more thrilled!! I'm becoming so much happier and much more comfortable in my own skin.

Things are finally coming back strong in my life. My family is more important to me now. I talk more with my parents, and they have a somewhat understanding of what I went through with my ex-fiancee. It's been...a rollercoaster ride. But I'm on for the ride!! I'm so up for it!!

Now to move onto something that I am still in shock about....

The ride brought me to RENT here in Philadelphia at the Academy of Music for my Birthday. I got to see it on Feb. 7 at the 2 o'clock showing. My parents got two tickets for me. One for me and another person to take with me. It was...the best Christmas/Birthday present EVER! I took my best friend, Sarah, with me. We got there 5 minutes late, so we had to stand at the door and watch the beginning, which I was totally okay with! We were up in the Family Circle, the first level up in Section E, Row B, Seat 113. Yeah...I have it memorized. Anyways...the experience was incredible. I died and went to heaven! I got see Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp in the roles that were MADE for them!! I cannot believe I was there....I sang along, well, mouthed the words really. I got really emotional at a lot of the songs, because it was so powerful and so meaningful, to me. I love the show, and it was my first time seeing it on stage. I got to "dance" with Mimi, aaand "moo" with Maureen, "film" with Mark, "sing" with Roger, "play the drums" with Angel, and just...BE THERE!! Words cannot describe the feeling I had when I finally got to see the play ON STAGE!!!!!! There are pictures...

The Broadway Tour Cast of RENT on stage bowing...

Sarah and I with our RENT shirts!

((My cheeks look discolored, because I got my wisdom teeth out on Feb. 2...I was bruised.))

And the back of our shirts...mine didn't say anything, so I put my bag on. :) In it is my playbill with my ticket inside, and the book that came with the bag, and Anthony Rapp's book.

It was an amazing time and I just had to share it.

Sooooooo this is THE START of something new for me....a new life of loosing weight, finding happiness, and finding myself again...