"Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind." (Alice Meynell)

I don't know why, but my mind seems to come alive at night. The silence awakens something inside and the words just flow out. It's the calmness of the night that allows me to think clearly on the day, or whatever can be on my mind.

Things have escalated the past week. I started talking to a guy. He's...amazing. We haven't met in person, but the way we talk on the phone makes me feel like we've known each other for a long time. I know, I know. With my history of meeting people over the internet...I shouldn't do it again. I know. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to even meet someone through the dating site I joined. I really didn't, and I haven't been on it for even a month yet. We talked for so long on the phone...twice we've done that, and well, we get along. We mesh, which is definitely a good thing. We talked about anything and everything, and it was nice to have someone like that for a change. There are so many things that have conspired between the two of us, that we've already had a few serious discussions. Well, one big one. It was a bit heart breaking at first, but I came to the realization that I hadn't even met this man in person yet and I was getting upset about it. Why was I getting upset about it in the first place? Perhaps it's because I was so excited that he and I were able to even talk about such a thing and we're so into each other - we make each other laugh, and we're just. He and I are friends right now. I can tell you that much. It's just, the discussion we had made me think really hard on so many different levels. I've had to question myself, and seek advice. But yet again, I had to stop myself because I've only known the guy a week. A week. Why am I rocketing myself into something that hasn't even left the ground yet? I don't understand why I do that, but I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't think so hard into things when there's nothing to be done about it yet. I haven't met him in person; therefore, I cannot make any concrete decisions. But...what's the harm in talking about it with friends and getting their advice? No harm, really.

Oye. I just have a lot on my plate right now. SO much to do, AND to top it all off. I have, tonight, come up with a room to-do list. Yes. For those that have seen the depths of my azurean room, you know that it's catastrophic. For an entire month I have been working 7 days straight, and hadn't caught a break. And now that I'm back to working six days a week, I have Sundays off. Now. I've compiled a list that I need to get done with my room. And I'm praying. PRAYING. That I'll be able to get it done. I have to. It's mandatory. I know it'll be incredibly hard, but...in the end - it'll be worth it.

The thing that really got me thinking about cleaning MY room is the show, "Clean House". I watch the show incessantly. I've watched and really would love for my room to be organized and not for it to be the cluttered chaos that it is now. I have too many shirts -- I have to admit I'm a shirt horder. I love the vintage tees from Hot Topic, and have a few. So I have to get a few out. I have to get storage containers. I have to get my DVDs organzied, too. Closet. Clothes. Desk. Bookshelf. So much to do. I have to get it done, and I know I'll feel like I have accomplished something when I have gotten it done! I just have to get it all done in increments.

Pray for me while I attempt to clean my cluttered chaos, and aim for clean happiness...and a happy room.

Taking the Initiative

There have been things lately that I haven't been able to really comprehend. Things that I haven't really considered even posting here. I bought an actual journal last weekend, and have written in it a few times already, and it's helped so much. But there are times I find myself wondering what the entire world thinks about things. So here goes, and feel free to pass judgement; it's in our human nature to do so.

Things in my life haven't been what I call smooth, as of lately. I've been working my ass off at my two jobs, and I feel so grateful that I have a job in this day and age. But then the bills come, and I realize that all my hard work goes to something that I really wish I didn't have to pay. It's not only bills that have made me think about life, because they are far from my mind at this point in time. I find myself not as happy as I wish I could be...

Last night I went to up to the Victorian Christmas in town, and there were a lot of people there. I haven't seen so many people in town in quite some time. But the teenagers were terrible. They idled in the streets and sidewalks, and made the scene quite impossible to enjoy. It was another night for them to be able to be out and about, but they seemed to just not get the idea of the time that the town had set up. I forgave them for not holding the door open at Wawa, and not stepping to the side when I said, "Excuse me." But there comes a time and a place when you need to just push past people in order to get to where you need to go. And that's exactly what I did, I had to sweep past most of them. I walked on my own through the streets that I have known so very well since I was a kid. I walked through the Park, and caught a glimpse of the man as Santa Claus, and the children about him so excited to see him. They couldn't wait to sit up on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas. It was a treat to see, honestly. I continued my way up through the park and to the Church. I could see up ahead the carriage rides. The 76 Carriage Company from Philadelphia had made the journey to give those that bought advanced tickets rides in the carriages. The horses were gorgeous, and I stood and watched them make their way away and around the block. It was then I went into the church and listened to a bit of the caroling. I walked home that night frustrated and distraught at the teenagers I had to push through in order to get home after stopping to get food. I had to get over it, and I did, but it was frustrating, nonetheless.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Because I find it funny how "pushing" and "shoving" is a way you have to do things in the world in order to succeed, and to get yourself noticed. It's something I haven't had to do, but I want to shove past SO many things and get on with what I want to do in life. I didn't get accepted to Wilson College, which was a downer. I must admit that, but it won't slow me down. I know I have to finish my Associate's and then I'm going to re-apply.

I'm taking the initiative and am going to do a bit of "pushing" and a bit of "shoving" to get what I need done in order to be happier and achieve what I need to.

And I'm hoping I can. :)

It's Been A While....

It has been a while since I've posted much of anything lately in this. Months, actually. A lot has happened.

I've fluctuated with weight, once again. I cannot seem to grasp what is good and what isn't. Well, I can. I just don't have the will power. I need to start getting back into the swing of eating right. I lost so much weight since last November - 40lbs. to be exact. And I'm at a stand still. I have been for a while. I don't know what's wrong at all. Oye. I have to get back on track! I will. Just have to start from the beginning.

Another thing is - I haven't been able to horseback ride. The last time I rode was the student horse show at Thorncroft. And that was at the end of January. Since then, I've worked every Monday and Tuesday there. I haven't paid my bill, which has been hard to do. I haven't ridden, and it really, really sucks! I miss it so much. I am so jealous of those that are able to ride, and I stand by. It'll all work out. I hope.

Bruno passed away. It was the most saddest thing I have experienced. I worked with Bruno when I was able to get to know the horses at Thorncroft. He was feisty, even if he was 17 at the time. He was just adorable. I fell in love with him! He was much like a big puppy dog, and he always was to me. I loved him, and still do. Even with being the shortest pony in the barn, he had the biggest heart. He was just adorable. I'm so glad that I was able to have Bruno in my life. He has certainly touched me and left hoof prints on my heart (as did Razz). Monday night is when it was to happen. It was a sad night. While out under the apple tree, the horses in the field came up, one by one, and were standing there eating with Bruno. They were on opposite sides of the fence, but...they knew. Once we knew it was over, silence was all that was around us. I have never heard so much silence before. And then, there were horses that called out. I started to cry. Maire let me have some of his tail, which I have resting over the painting of Razz. Bruno will never be forgotten.

Bruno
(1986-2009)

ugh...

Last week I posted about my depression and anxiety. It's gotten slightly better, but not entirely. I did talk to my doctor last week and she got me back on my medicine. They haven't really worked yet, which will be about next week. So we'll see how things go. Things this week have just been off. Tuesday: I didn't sleep at all that night. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. It's been going on for the past 3-4 weeks now. I've been waking up in the middle of the night burping and crap. It's not fun AT ALL. Sooo Tuesday afternoon I went to my doctor and talked with him about it. He told me to schedule an Upper GI appointment, and also get a sleep study done. So I made the GI appointment. Wednesday morning: Chest pain that went down to my stomach and back up again; trouble breathing, chills. Went to the ER. They gave me a GI cocktail, which had lydacane (not sure how to spell it), maalox, and some other stuff. But it numbed my throat and coated my stomach. Then they shot me up with ativan - the best shit in the world - it's a muscle relaxer. They said it could be acid reflux, but didn't give me anything for it. So they told me to go ahead and get the upper gi test. I got that done yesterday morning. Then went to work. This morning. Oh my gosh...woke up with horrible stomach pains. I don't even know what time it was, because I didn't have my glasses on. I just know that I was getting sick in the bathroom, and my mom found me this morning asleep on the bathroom floor. Yay...not really. I didn't have a fever, but I was in pain. I'm still in some pain, but not as much as I was. I called my doctor, left a message for her, and then she called me back and gave me something for it. GOD someone finally gave me SOMETHING so I don't have all this acid in me! It's uncomfortable and I really, really hate it! I just have to stay away from acidic foods, which is gonna be so hard for me...no pizza...NO HOAGIES! I love hoagies, they are my absolute favorite thing in the world to eat! :: cries :: Ugh....I'm sure I'll be able to eat them eventually...but I can't right now and it SUCKS!!

I know. I'm rambling. Oye. But it's just...hard!

Suffering....

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. I've been feeling like I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything. I'm unhappy, and, honestly, I think I need to be back on my medicine. I think that will make a big difference if I start back up on the medicine so I don't feel so lousy all the time.

I don't feel lousy all the time, but I'm just not feeling like me. I've couped myself up in my room, because I just don't want to do anything anymore. And that's...not right.

I need to talk to my doctor.

Twilight Weekend

I haven't written in this in a while, because I've been sick. It's crazy. The entire month of March, I've been sick. It's terrible! The kids at the day care were sick. There were 3 or 4 of them that went home with 102-103 degree fevers. And I knew I was gonna get sick, and I did. Which SUCKS. I hate being sick. I do. I don't like missing work, but I'm not going to go in and get everyone else sick with whatever I have. Like for the past week or two, I've been having constant bowel movement issues. And so I went to the doctor's this morning, and I have to get testing done. So it'll be interesting. But I'm just worried it could be something serious. I just hope it isn't.

Anyways.

This past weekend was amazing! It was my "Twilight" weekend. Friday after work, I went home and fell asleep so I would be up and ready to go to the Midnight DvD Release Party at Hot Topic at the mall. It was a lot of fun! I was the 21st person to get the dvd. Got a free poster out of the deal, and it was just awesome. I got a picture with the cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen!

I know, I'm a dork. I was the first person to get a picture with him 'cause everyone else was chicken! I set the trend then people went and got pictures with him. :) I felt good to do that. I got my dvd at 12:10am, and went home. When I got there, i watched it, of course. Then I watched the extended scenes. Once that was done, I decided to watch the commentary. I didn't watch all of it, because I was so darn tired. I didn't go to bed till 3:30 in the morning! Then I got up at 7:30 to be at Suncoast by 8 when they open to get my friend's copy. I lingered around in Suncoast, because they were playing the movie, and I wanted to buy another movie. I got out of there at 9, then went and got my new glasses. then i went home, watched some of the commentary then passed out for a few hours. got up, finished the commentary, cleaned my room. I then went to the Emmel's so that Erin and I could watch "Twilight" together. SO much fun! Especially since they have a big flat screen, and surround sound...amazing. I was so happy to watch it! Erin and I did watch soem of the features on the second disc, but I had to get home 'cause I was soooo tired and I had work the next day.

That was my weekend.

Indescribable...

I'm sitting here feeling sore as ever. My entire body is aching from working out at the gym. My head is clogged because of my sinuses and yet I feel...empowered. There are things going on in my life that I've recently discovered that are...difficult, nonetheless. But, I accept them. For instance, my credit cards - I only have 2! - And then there's other things that I'm in desperate need to pay off, but I know that everything WILL work itself out. That everything WILL be ok! This is all thanks to "Confessions of a Shop-a-holic". Granted that I'm in NO WAY a shop-a-holic, but I identified with Rebecca! I'm in debt, and have hardly ANY money to pay for much of ANYTHING right now. But she got through it, and I know I will. It'll take time, of course, BUT I have plenty of time to sort things out and get to where I need to be...

And I missed that feeling...the feeling I get after seeing a great movie...like tonight, I walked out of the theater in a fantastic mood! I'm still on that high. I don't know why I feel this way when I walk out of a movie, but it's....incredible.

Ugh...I'm on such a high right now that there's way too much for me to type about when I can barely write this right now...

Another Day In The Life

Even if it's been a few days, there are things going on in my mind that I'm having trouble with...Valentine's Day was always hard for me...even when I had a boyfriend/fiancee. I never got anything big or spectacular. It was just always low-key. Saturday, I worked at Hallmark...the God of all card/gift shops. And I rang up so many people that were buying last minute gifts...I felt left out. I do not mind being single at all, but the fact that I only got one card...just didn't make me feel special. Aren't you supposed to feel special on a holiday? I mean, Friday, we had the Valentine's Day Party with the kids at work and I did get the little Valentine's, which were cute. But yeah. I don't know. It's my first Valentine's Day without a Valentine in...over five years. It's all good.

Saturday, my tax refund check went through into my account. Guess what i did with it first? I went and bought myself a new laptop. Yesssssss! I am the proud owner of an HP Pavilion Entertainment PC. It runs World of Warcraft oh so well! It doesn't lag, which is just AWESOME! It has Vista, which isn't bad AT ALL. Not entirely sure what people were complaining about....I like it. :) Especially the weather bug on my desktop. So awesome.

I haven't weighed myself since last week...and for all those female bloggers out there you know that time of the month when you are bloated? yeah, that's me right now. :) Sooooo that's something I'll post probably at the end of the week.

I'm off to get some stuff done since my boss was so nice to give me the day off. :)

The Start.

Back in October '08, my co-workers started Weight Watchers. Now, I've been struggling with weight issues for...a long time. It really started when I was fired from my first job, because I ate a cupcake. Yes, I ate a cupcake and was fired. I could've fought for the job, but it wasn't worth it at all. I was 14! It was my first job! I didn't think I was doing anything wrong! For the following year, I gained a lot of weight. Ever since then, I've been struggling trying to get the weight down. It started to work, but then it all hit me when I got engaged. I got engaged on Dec. 25, 2007, and it wasn't until that summer, when he was trying to get a new job, that it started. He started to get lazy. He wouldn't help around the house, he wasn't doing anything but play his video games. I was lucky to get him out for the day to go to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire for the Grand Arrival. It was terrible!! I wasn't happy, but I didn't know it at the time. I didn't see anything wrong with how I was, or how he was. And then it hit me one weekend. It was when I was dog-sitting for a friend and her family while they helped her get back to college. I realized that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I wasn't happy at all. I couldn't be with him. Turns out that people around me knew that I wasn't happy, but they didn't want to say something about it and get me upset. It's a good thing I figured it out on my own...really is. I started to really see how dissatisfied I was with how I looked. I hated how my body looked. I hated how big my belly was in the pictures I looked at from over the summer. I hated how I looked. So when my friend started Weight Watchers....I knew I had to do it. So I started in November of '08.

Fast forward three months and here I am...25lbs lighter!! I'm 50lbs from my goal weight, and I couldn't be any more thrilled!! I'm becoming so much happier and much more comfortable in my own skin.

Things are finally coming back strong in my life. My family is more important to me now. I talk more with my parents, and they have a somewhat understanding of what I went through with my ex-fiancee. It's been...a rollercoaster ride. But I'm on for the ride!! I'm so up for it!!

Now to move onto something that I am still in shock about....

The ride brought me to RENT here in Philadelphia at the Academy of Music for my Birthday. I got to see it on Feb. 7 at the 2 o'clock showing. My parents got two tickets for me. One for me and another person to take with me. It was...the best Christmas/Birthday present EVER! I took my best friend, Sarah, with me. We got there 5 minutes late, so we had to stand at the door and watch the beginning, which I was totally okay with! We were up in the Family Circle, the first level up in Section E, Row B, Seat 113. Yeah...I have it memorized. Anyways...the experience was incredible. I died and went to heaven! I got see Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp in the roles that were MADE for them!! I cannot believe I was there....I sang along, well, mouthed the words really. I got really emotional at a lot of the songs, because it was so powerful and so meaningful, to me. I love the show, and it was my first time seeing it on stage. I got to "dance" with Mimi, aaand "moo" with Maureen, "film" with Mark, "sing" with Roger, "play the drums" with Angel, and just...BE THERE!! Words cannot describe the feeling I had when I finally got to see the play ON STAGE!!!!!! There are pictures...

The Broadway Tour Cast of RENT on stage bowing...

Sarah and I with our RENT shirts!

((My cheeks look discolored, because I got my wisdom teeth out on Feb. 2...I was bruised.))

And the back of our shirts...mine didn't say anything, so I put my bag on. :) In it is my playbill with my ticket inside, and the book that came with the bag, and Anthony Rapp's book.

It was an amazing time and I just had to share it.

Sooooooo this is THE START of something new for me....a new life of loosing weight, finding happiness, and finding myself again...