What's going on...

I suppose starting from the beginning would be a good place to start. Sept 13 I went into the ER for severe abdominal pain. Turns out it was acute appendicitis. I was going under for surgery by 6:30 that night and was unable to work for an entire week cause I wasn't able to lift anything and the pain meds I was on. It's in times like these that you find out who your friends are. Granted, Facebook posts are all right with me, because that's how most people communicate these days. For the entire week, there were only a select few that kept in touch with me (besides family). It wasn't fun for me having to stay home. Yes, it was like a mini-vacation, but I really wasn't thrilled that I had to use vacation time for it. Anyways. The only cards I got were from my sister and aunt, balloons from sister and niece and my parents spoiled me and took care of me. Other than that, I didn't get much, not even from work (from where I have been for five years now). Nothing. I just really don't like how I have been so nice to people. I always am. I pitch in if someone needs something and chip in for people at work. That first day back at work was the worst. I went home and cried because of how terrible I felt and how replaceable I felt. It's almost as if me being gone from surgery didn't phase them-work, I mean. It just seems to me like they pick and choose who they want to favor, who they want to do nice things for. It's not fair. At all. And now I have these scars on my stomach and I hate how they look. Yes, they're apart of me now but it sucks that I feel so not me.

I don't feel like I used to. I've been happy, yes, but not...me. There are so many things going on in my life that I just can't get over the fact that I feel so expendable. That if something happens, it won't matter to people. Yeah, I know, totally different from my facebook/twitter updates most of the time, but I don't care. This is how I feel. People put on on acts all the time to hide their pain. This is me showing that I'm in pain. I'm not me. I need to find where I belong. It'll take time, but I need to find what makes me feel good. I have faith that I can overcome this obstacle and find my place in this world. I know I can. I really hope I can.

I need to put this out there. There are things that have started to happen that I'm really, really not pleased with. If you've been watching my Facebook and seeing posts about change. Pay attention here.

For as long as I can remember, I've always loved going to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. I really didn't start going til 2008 when I went with Summer Camp for the Youth Day there. Now I'm a season pass holder and have been since 2009. This year is different though. Mind you, it's an entirely different cast, save for a few old faces, which is fine. I actually have loved getting to know their faces and their character names. But there is a fine line between getting to know them and not following them around or being obnoxious. I really am tired of how some people are acting at Faire. One of whom, I had considered a friend, since I was the one that introduced her to everyone there last year, has become like them.

A date...among other things.

I've been single for quite a while now and really haven't gone on any dates. I've tried all the dating sites (mainly the free ones, since on Match you can only email/IM someone if you have a paid account). Hell, I was rejected by eHarmony years ago. It said that I "wouldn't benefit from their services". So needless to say, I didn't even both joining that site after that.

There have been a few hit and misses over the years since I've joined OkCupid and PlentyofFish (both are good, in my opinion). I've talked (via the sites) with people that really only want to hook up and leave it at that, when I'm looking for something more. I still am, actually. Then there's the others that want to meet you but then just shy away and never talk to you again.

But, that's besides the point. I did meet a guy via PlentyofFish (pof.com) and we hit it off great. On the internet, it's obvious you cannot tell how someone is wording something as it's just words on a screen. Right off the bat, I wasn't so sure about this guy. But then I started to pick up on the sarcasm and little jokes he put in here and there. We swapped numbers and started to text and talk to each other on the phone. Last Friday we met for the first time. We went out to dinner at Friendly's, which was really great. We met at 8:15ish and we took our time and ate, talked a lot. It was really, really nice. We geeked out over the funniest things! Honestly, it was pretty awesome to talk to someone and just...talk about anything and everything. We even were bickering as if we were a married couple! And we did act like kids and get THE best ice cream ever after dinner.

Yes, you get to eat out of a sand castle - they give you the sprinkles - and to top it off - you get to keep the sand castle itself! Yeah, we totally had a blast. There was this kid at the table across from us that wasn't sure about it. His mom pointed out that we had them and he had to get it seeing us with it. And he did. It was really a great dinner and I didn't think I would've connected so well with someone like that. It's been a while since that's happened. After dinner, we went to the movie theater, where we saw "BRAVE". Yes, we saw "BRAVE" cause we both wanted to see it. At least we agreed on a movie, which was awesome.

After the movie was all said and done, we walked out and I kinda hesitated. He wanted to put his hands around me and hold me. I was nervous. I honestly haven't had a guy hold me or anything in a long time. Yes, I'm admitting that to the world. But...it's true. In a way, I feel like I disappointed him that I didn't let him hold me or let alone kiss me. But it shouldn't matter as it was our first date. Still, I didn't like how he just left it at that and drove off. I had a great time that night and felt like I fudged it up. Thanks to an awesome friend, later that night, told me that if he respects me and such he'll text/call in a day or two. And I really appreciated those words, because I was nervous that he wouldn't text/call me. Low and behold, the next morning, he texted me when I was on my way to the Celtic Fling. My worries were pushed aside and I felt better!

I leave for vacation on Sunday. Heading out of town with the fam and spending a week long reading books, laying out by the pool and just RELAXING. Been counting down the weeks til I get out of town and it's here! Very exciting! In a few weeks, my friend, Nicole, and I are going down to Tennessee to meet up with an awesome paranormal team - Team P.R.O.S.E. - Paranormal Researchers Of The South East. I've been in touch with the team for over a year now and have been really, really wanting to get down there ever since. I cannot wait to meet the team and check out Hales Bar (which is going to be EPIC). Michelle (from PROSE) said that she has things planned out for Nicole and I to do....and I'm slightly nervous as to what kind of trouble she's gonna get us into. It'll be a fun weekend, of course! Been counting down those days, too. FOUR WEEKS til Nicole and I leave for Tennessee! I'm very, very excited and it's going to be fun!

I'm hoping to post more often on here, but with me being busy (especially working the Summer Camp at work, and being just dead tired all the time from it) I can't make any promises. But I do love writing and putting everything out there. Whether people read this or not, I'm just thankful that I have a place to put my thoughts on everything/anything out there.

Paranormal Week!

(From April 25-26 to April 28-29, 2012)

A little over a week ago, I went to the Ghost Adventures event in Philly at the Independence Seaport Museum. It was something else, let me tell you. First off, I hadn't met any of the guys from GA, so it was a pretty big deal for me that night. And, I have to say, I only had one fan girl moment. We were sitting in the theater waiting for the Q&A to start and for the guys to come out - which were Aaron, Nick, Jason & Ashley. That fan girl moment was when we (Janice and I and a few others) were sitting in the front row off to the right side and they walked by the in the back to go around. I did one *gasp* and just watched and they disappeared. And that was my big moment that I physically saw them for the first time with my own eyes. And then they were all introduced and the Q&A went on for a good hour - hour and a half, maybe, not sure. It lasted a while, but it was a lot of fun. Nick and Aaron are really themselves. They don't pretend to be anyone else. The show is all them. It's THEIR personalities and to experience that first hand was incredible.

Through-out the Q&A, Aaron is straightening out the cloth that's on the table. And at one point, he goes, "Why do I keep doing this?" And he demonstrates the straightening and everyone laughs, "I can't sit still!" And he really can't. He always has to be moving, which is who Aaron is. And I'm still blown away by how real they are, how real they come across - even on TV. 

 Now, when the Q&A was over, everyone jumped up to go and get in line. Yeaaah, we went and got the END of the line. It was a lot cooler to wait for them and we would actually get a little bit longer to hang out with them. We kinda did, too. It was great to stand in line and watch them interact with everyone, it really was. When my turn was up, I honestly thought I would be really nervous. That I was going to fall over myself and make a fool. But I wasn't. It's like I had known them for years or something (which technically I have via TV; vlogs, twitter; etc.). But the thing that really blew me away the most is how much they really appreciate us fans. I didn't feel nervous at all. I had a pair of gloves for Nick, since he didn't get a pair. And I showed them to Aaron, and asked if he recognized these, he went, "Yeah, I do! I have them all." And I said, "Yeah they're from me." He said, "I know! Well, now I know!" Haha! And told him how they got to him from my friend, Shona, who let me send them to her in Texas to give to Zak and Aaron at the Stanley event. So Nick now has a pair of the GAC gloves, which is awesome. And to top it all off, I got to Big Step with Aaron (I have a picture and video to showcase it, too). But honestly, it felt like a big family, extended family, of course. But nonetheless, family. It was a really amazing experience to finally get to meet them. Investigating with them was something else as well. We were the last group to investigate with them and it was...amazing. We went into the first room and I just stood there and looked at them. I couldn't believe that I was there, first off. But another thing I felt was their presence. It was strong, almost larger than life even. I don't know if anyone else picked up on it. Janice did say, "Well, they've been doing this a long while." Yeah, but still. It was still cool to pick up on that. It was fun when we left, said bye to Nick, who was standing at the end of the plank walking out of the Olympia and told him how awesome it was to finally meet them, since I've been watching GA for years now. He smiled and hugged me. It was a great night to meet these guys that I've been seeing on the screen for so long!


And then on Friday. Janice and I left for Hill View Manor, which is in New Castle, PA. We didn't leave til almost 8 that night, which would get us to New Castle at 2:30 in the morning. I fell asleep for about an hour at some point and I felt bad for Janice who didn't have anyone to talk to. I know when I woke up I was rubbing my eyes just to keep them open. Thankfully, we stopped so I could get some sort of caffeine in me. That probably wasn't a good idea as when we got to the hotel and I fell asleep...I woke up 3-4 hours later WIDE awake. I had set my alarm so I could go and get breakfast, and woke up an hour before that. It was crazy-ness. So I went to breakfast. Went back to the room, fiddled on the computer, then laid down for an hour and could NOT sleep. It was weird. So I walked on the treadmill in the exercise room for what...thirty minutes and then finally fell asleep for an hour, I think. Once up, we headed to Wal-mart where Mike and Michelle were meeting us. It was AWESOME to finally meet these guys in person. And after that, we went over to Hill View, just to get a look at the building in the day light. And that place is HUGE! HUGE! We didn't get in 'cause it was locked, of course. So we went and got some stuff then headed back over. It was something else when we got to walk into Hill View. The walk-through was something else. I had to rely on the others, who had been there 2-3 times already, because I didn't know where I was going. I didn't want to end up getting lost and freaked out. But it was cool to check the place out during the day. When it was night though...that was different. Now, Hill View was my first REAL investigation where we were in the place and didn't leave it for 9-10 hours. We went up to the third floor first and walked around. Heard a bang, which was weird, because the other group was on the first floor. The second sounded like it came from the second floor landing as if someone was shutting the door. Plus we were seeing shadows on the 3rd floor, like people were peeking out at us. Janice got her iPod out and started playing Frank Sinatra. It felt different. It was as if they wanted that music, or no one else played it for them so they liked it. The laser grid was on as well. Another person and myself also heard jingling as if someone had a pair of keys, but none of us did. It was interesting! 


After that, we headed down to base before going over to the chapel. It felt peaceful in there. Janice got music playing again and it was the song, "Georgia", I believe. And I just remember feeling sad, like I wanted to cry. So I got up and moved around, Janice had some shadow activity around her and her hair touched. No one was around her when that happened either. It was really interesting. We then went up to One North, where people got to make Darth Vader jokes with my mask on. That should be interesting audio to of me breathing loud just to make them laugh. We had interesting flashlight activity with the maglight Janice literally bought that afternoon. It seemed that when we were talking to each other, the flash light turned on as if to say, "Hey. We're still here." almost. It was cool though. The entire night was different. I hadn't experience anything like that before. 


Can't wait for the next one!


Haunted Hales Bar at the end of July!! :)

Hm.

Two posts in a day? Wow. I must be on something! But I think I've figured out my obstacle...While at work, I was able to think when others weren't there or I didn't have a customer.

I think I need to join a gym again. I think I'm going to join Planet Fitness again so that I can go there after work and work on my cardio and all. I know that if I do that I'll have more resources to help me get in better shape. And I know they have TVs there so you can watch them when you're on the treadmill, so maybe I can go Monday nights when they have The Voice on, if I'm not working, of course. But I really do wanna start being more active and eating a lot better. But. I think that if I go to home first, then to the gym, it'll thin out, since right after work is when A LOT of people want to get their work outs in. Go home first, change, then go up there will be a good idea. The Planet Fitness here is 24-hours Monday-Friday. Then they're open from 7am-7pm both Saturdays and Sundays. I'll just have to fix it into my budget to pay for it. Though I think I'll just get the $10 a month deal...hm, so we'll see!!

Another one for the books...

I've become rather offset with me working out and all. I'm tired a lot of the times and yes, that's not a good excuse at all. I work 6 days a week and only have one day off. All day yesterday I pretty much laid around and did nothing. Hell, I even took a NAP. And I haven't been eating the way I should be either. I really think I've lost the motivation to really get up and move. I'm on my feel for 8-9 hours, sometimes 12 if I work both jobs and I come home and am exhausted. Working out always ends up being the last on my mind when I just want to come home and sit down and relax.

I did start thinking yesterday though. I know, I should be careful when I do, but it might help. I got a new digital camera last week that I've been itching to try out. I'm starting to think that I should implement that. Instead of sitting around and not doing anything, I should grab my camera and go for a walk somewhere. Now, if the weather cooperates, I'm thinking I might go to Valley Forge this Saturday. I would go today, but I have to be at work in an hour, so that would be pointless. But that's what I'm thinking of doing is stepping away from being inside and on my ass the majority of the time to actually being outside, taking pictures like I want to. Things change on a daily basis and you can't take the same picture twice. So each time I go out it'll be a new adventure. I'm excited for that now. If the weather doesn't cooperate, I'll put on my raincoat, boots, heavy coat or whichever and just got for a walk around town. :)

Onto other news. I'm officially apart of a paranormal team, called Ghost Journeys (link to website). I was really excited when she sent me the application, well, thing for the website. I had showed interest a couple weeks prior but didn't think anything of it. And here I am filling out a questionnaire of info for the website! I'm really excited for the next 6 months and being apart of this team. Why? Because we have some amazing events/investigations going on! In March, I'm going with Janice (my friend & lead investigator/director of Ghost Journeys) to Phenom 104. For those of you that read my last post about the whole Mansfield event and the drama, this is the event (phenom 104) that Janice brought to my attention and am now going to. All the people that will be at Mansfield are going to the Phenom event in Gettysburg the week prior (except for Aaron Goodwin, which sucks, but I'll get to meet him one day). So everything worked out! Just got my schedule changed around at work and am good to go. :) The next one is in April where we'll be investigating Hill View Manor. I'm excited for this one, too. A little nervous, but I think once we all get there and are comfortable, I'll be good to go. THEN. At the end of July, we're going to Tennessee to investigate Hales Bar Marina & Dam! I'm so excited about this one, because I've been talking to the team that heads up the investigations there since the Ghost Adventures episode aired. And they said that I need to get down there and all...well. It's happening! I cannot wait to get there. OH. And the weekend after that, the PA Renaissance Faire opens! WoOt!

2012 is really shaping up to be an incredible year! So many awesome things going on! Can't wait for more adventures!!

It's never easy...who ever said it would be anyway??

It's been a couple weeks since my last posting and I feel terrible about it. I've had SO much drama going on that I've completely lacked in the diet/work out department. So I'm going to tell my story, because I want to put it out and away.

Back in Sept./Oct., I found out about the Mansfield event that Darkness Radio was going to be having in March 2012. And I instantly wanted to go. I was talking to a friend about it and she said she would get the tickets for us both to go. She said she did...but after asking countless times (for months) for the confirmation email so we can get the hotel and all...nothing. I can understand that people go through things, but if you're going to tell someone that you're going to do something...do it. Apparently, from what she said, she put the tickets on her mom's card and her mom freaked, and then she was going to have them switch it all or whatever. I honestly got incredibly confused as to what the hell she was saying...but seriously, why was she using her mom's credit card anyway? And so a little over a week ago I contacted Darkness Radio about it and all. Said she had never bought tickets. My friend said she put them under her mom's name. Why? I have no freaking idea, but it made me realize that she's just pulling my leg. She's really making it out for her to just get attention it seemed. It was a complete mess. HUGE. And so last Tuesday I got an email from Darkness Radio events saying because of the circumstances and to help you all out, she sent me an invoice for a ticket and my friend. Now my friend told me she was going to give me her card info so I can get it via Paypal on Wednesday. This is after I completely lost it and was crying my eyes out to the point that I felt like I couldn't breath. And say what you want, but that's no way a friend treats a friend. You don't go and say you did something and leave it up in the air for someone to guess. She left me in the dark about everything. Didn't forward me any of the emails she originally got. I was beyond pissed. I was fuming. I had my heart set on meeting Aaron (from Ghost Adventures), Big Stepping with him and go ghost hunting with him. But I won't be able to now and that really sucks. But, Wednesday came and my friend never showed. So I told the lady at Darkness Radio to give my ticket away and thanked her for the opportunity, but with all the drama I couldn't go. My heart literally sank. I was not happy because I wanted to go to the Mansfield event.

Thankfully, Janice came along. She know who she is. She told me about the Gettysburg event that's a week before the event at Mansfield. I looked at the site and turns out EVERYONE that's going to Mansfield will be at Gettysburg the week before....except Aaron Goodwin. But on that day a door closed and another one opened. I'm now going to be going to the Gettysburg event with Janice and a few other people. And I get to meet all these AMAZING people that I've been wanting to meet! Like, Dave Schrader, Jeff Belanger, Patrick Fleming, Mark & Debbie Constantino, Patrick Burns and more. It's just awesome and Janice seriously made me feel ten times better than I was. So thank you to Janice on that part.

As for the whole weight/diet/working out, it's hard for me right now. I'm going to keep doing my best. It's just really hard working two jobs. And all I want to do when I come home is sit and just relax. I work 40hrs at one job, then part time at the other. I'm not complaining, but it's just hard. I need to find a balance in what works for me so I can get that working out going again. It's not going to be easy, but I'm not giving up! :)

The Wrath

One thing I completely forgot about is how insanely sore you are after your first work out. I'm feeling it still. I didn't get to work out yesterday cause I was up at 6:45 to be at work by 8 and I didn't get done til 5. I had to pick up a gift, go home, change and went to a work party that I didn't get home from til 10pm. Not only did I miss all of the Ghost Adventures marathon they do every Friday, but I was exhausted. I came home and sat in front of the computer checking things over. I turned everything off and read my book til 12:30am. Not smart, with how early I was up. But I woke up this morning at 10am. Turns out getting 9 1/2 hours does the body good!

Another thing I've come to find is SELF magazine. I had gotten it only because Jillian was on the cover. (Yes, I do love Jillian Michaels - she's amazing). And I read through it and really liked it. Unlike Cosmo, which is out to get you to buy expensive make up to cover up the blemishes and all, Self is out there to get you healthy. Nearly on every page there's something about fitness, about what you can do to better yourself. Not to apply layers upon layers of makeup, but to help YOU get to be where YOU want to be. In the end, I got myself a subscription for SELF magazine, because of how much I liked it. As much as I used to like Cosmo, I really really like Self. I would highly suggest getting a copy of Self and see for yourself what it's about. I mean, magazines aren't made for everyone. It's what suits you that matters most, and I find that in SELF they offer that to everyone that wants to lose it.

During this whole time I've had this blog, never once did I feel like I been rambling on. I've really enjoyed talking about these kinds of things. Putting my ideas out there, whether people read them or not, they're there, and I honestly love it.

So what's on the agenda for today??? 

• Clean a bit
• Get a Jillian Michaels workout on
• Eat some yummies
• Go out and spend some of my gift cards
• Enjoy my new years!

I really do hope everyone has an AMAZING New Years Eve! Can't wait for what 2012 has in store for me!!

Don't Phone It In!

Yesterday my journey of losing weight. Today is the first day of many. I worked out for the FIRST time in a LONG time. It was amazing. I really forgot how much energy you have to give to work out. I haven't felt good like that in a LONG time. I've been wanting to be more mobile, as I said in yesterday's blog. But today was different. I struggled to get out of bed. I struggled with my insides screaming at me to go back to bed for another half an hour. But my mind won. I got out of bed, got into my Target bought workout clothes and put the work out dvd on. I worked out with Jillian Michaels with her "Ripped in 30" dvd. I also have a few other ones, but Ripped in 30 is my new favorite. She bases her system on the "3-2-1" system mixing cardio, strength and abs.

(borrowed picture from Amazon)

This is what I need. I need the variety, which is why I've always loved Jillian and her style of workout. This one is 4 weeks. And the great thing about this workout is that in each circuit, it's different. If you do push ups in one of the circuits, that's the ONLY time you see them in the work out. It's variety, which is key for me, because if it's the same thing over and over and over again, I get bored very easily. This is probably why I've gotten her other DVDs so that I can keep it varied. I also have her "30 Day Shred", "No More Trouble Zones" and her yoga one (which I find is insanely hard to do!). I know she has a new workout DVD on the market, so I'm definitely going to be checking that out, too. All I've been talking about is working out with Jillian! But that's good! I know she comes off as being a hard ass, but if you do her workouts, she gives you encouragement through-out it all. She just wants us to do well and be fit.

At the end of week 1 workout (which you do for 7 days to build yourself up), she states, "Some people don't show up in their own lives. They go through life day in and day out and don't show up." And I believe her. There are people that go through life wishing and hoping that things will get better and change, but nothing happens. Why? Because they don't do anything to change it for themselves. And I really do not want to be like that. I don't want to not show up for my life. I want to live it day in and day out with the people I love while doing the things that I love most. It's not going to be easy. No one ever said it would be, so if you've been told that - don't believe it. Life is going to throw you a lot of curveballs, and it's up to you to dodge them.

Until next time.

(For more on Jillian and her workouts, check out her website! Jillian Michaels )

A fresh start.

With so many things that have been going on in my life, with having switching part time jobs from Hallmark to a Bookstore (that I'm completely in love with), there's one thing that I'm not entirely pleased with. That's my weight. This isn't the first time I've tried to lose weight. But today, I want to share my journey and how far I've come in the past few years.

It was the summer of 2008 when I first really gained the weight. I was engaged at the time to a guy who had a job working security at the local casino. He worked nights and wasn't happy, so he interviewed for another job and put his two weeks notice in at that casino. It wasn't a smart idea, since the place he was going to work at didn't call him. Upon telling him to call, repeatedly, he finally caved in after weeks of saying, "Oh they'll call me." Turns out when he did call, they had forgotten about him. This was June 2008. Over the next two months, he didn't have a job. It was also during this time that I became incredibly unhappy with him and how everything was going. We ate Wawa pretty much ALL the time. (For those that don't know what Wawa is, it's a PA, NJ, DE, MD thing. (www.wawa.com) It's a great small market that I've grown up my entire life and have always loved it. But during that summer is when I gained all that weight. My highest was at 232lbs. I was not happy and everyone around me new it, but me. I was in denial and dove into food to make it better when it just made me incredibly unhealthy.

(A picture of me in July 2008)

It wasn't until that October where I realized how unhealthy I was. The owner of the horse stables that I rode at pulled me aside and said that I had to lose the weight or else I couldn't ride. It made me really sad. I had done a number to my body by getting that heavy. I didn't know where to start. A few of my coworkers were doing Weight Watchers, so I tried it out. Within the next four months, I lost 40lbs. I had cut out all that wawa that I was eating and ate things that were more healthy for me. I weighed between 192-195 by the end of February 2009. I tried to get it down more, but it was hard to do that. I didn't have the drive to do it.

This past summer, the 2011 PA Renaissance Faire started up again for its 31st year. I was more than overjoyed with that. It was then with all that walking I did, going there every single weekend (sometimes for both Saturday and Sunday), I was feeling more fit. I felt a lot better. At the end of the season, I got down to 178. I had dropped 10lbs in 3 months 'cause of all the walking and drinking lots of water. And now that I look at it, I know I can get it down more. With it getting colder out, I don't get to have a lot of resources, because joining a gym is too expensive for me right now. So with that said, I have a few things that I will be doing. I have workout dvds from Jillian Michaels that I'll be doing. I also have her Wii Fit game that I'll be pulling out again as well.

It feels odd to share this story with strangers, but I only hope that with me doing this I can gain some more perspective on my life. I don't want to be a lazy bones and not be active more. I'm done using excuses of me being too tired because of work (mainly since I work with children). But that's more of a reason to get fit so I can be more active and do my body right by being healthy.

I don't know about me posting what I eat as I know what I have to cut out. I know what I have to do and in order to do that, I just need to find that momentum and stick with it.

So watch out world! I will still be me, but a new looking me will be heading your way!!

Nope.

I don't post on here anymore, because of a comment that was left by someone that made me rather irritated. Here's the post:


Julia,
I have read you blog and I find it to be a complete contradiction of your daily facebook posts! In this blog you have given off the feeling that you never vocalize any feelings and live like a hermit, however every hour of your life besides when you are sleeping you let everyone know what is going on with your day! You have used facebook to let everyone know if your happy, sad, watching a movie, eating, and so on! Now either you are letting everyone know on facebook how you really feel, or you are just posting that stuff on there so that people read it and hopefully pay attention to you! I'm curious to know which it actually is! It seems to me that this blog you wrote tonight is a "Feel Sorry for Me Blog". What you should be doing instead of having a pity party for yourself is to change what your unhappy about! Life is what you make it! So if you make life miserable you will end up that way! Be more daring as well it will help your mentality! Well good luck!!
Heather


Now, if they didn't know, I'm allowed to post whatever the hell I want in my blog/journal. And I wrote it, because that is what I was feeling. Wasn't meant to be a pity party, and for that fact, I haven't felt like updating this journal, because of that response. It aggravates me that people are so quick to judge what someone writes when they don't stop to think that this is actually how I was feeling at a certain time. So what if I update my facebook? Everyone updates their facebook. And people either pay attention to it or not, who gives a crap! Me posting about this comment as been a long time coming, because I really didn't want to blatantly expose this person, but I don't care anymore. If they want to make me feel like I can't express myself, then I will call them out on it. Isn't that what a blog is for?

Well, I will probably not be using this anymore and just updating my other blog that I've had longer than this one. So to "Heather", keep thinking what you want. But you don't know the real me and what goes on behind the facebook updates.

Peace.

Weighing In...

I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I first stepped into Level 5 Gym in town. My sister had asked me to take the class with her (it's called Booty Fit Boot Camp), because, let's face it. Who really wants to go to a work out class by themselves with complete strangers watching you? You know what, after a few classes, I don't mind it that much anymore. I'm there for me. I'm there to better myself mind and body. The first time though, I was a bit nervous. I didn't know what to expect. Once I met Dave, I knew I was in good hands. He's funny, nice, and a great motivator. He doesn't PUSH you to do the work out. You go at your own pace and do what you can. The class is 45 minutes to an hour long. And you do each thing at one minute. Dave tells you what to do, and you do that for one minute. My trouble area is mainly my stomach. I haven't had a flat stomach since.....I can't even remember when. It's been a long while, and my struggle with weight has always been there.

Two years ago, I weighed in at 230lbs. This is the time I was still with my ex-fiancee. Where he had quit his job for a better one...the job he didn't get 'cause he never called them. He never left the house, and we would always get WaWa. That was the downfall. I ate a lot that summer. I gained all that weight, because he and I never did anything. I got tired of it. I was not happy. Everyone around me could see that I wasn't, but I didn't realize it til the end of that summer and broke off the engagement and had him move at the end of September. It wasn't until that November, that I knew I had to do something. My co-workers at work were doing Weight Watchers. And I wanted in. So I started. I changed my eating habits. I didn't stop at Wawa every day for a hoagie, or stop at McDonald's. No. I ate better than I have ever done. And in within four months I had lost 40lbs. I had never felt better about myself after that day. But the weight is still there.

A year and a half after losing that 40lbs, I'm still the same weight. A couple pounds less, but now I know what I need to do in order to get better. I know that me doing Booty Fit Boot Camp will definitely help. I'm on my way to being a better person. A more healthy person.

Please stay with me as I go on my journey...

Things...

So much has transpired the past few days, weeks even. I've already talked about most of it all to people, and I'm grateful for people that have listened - you know who you are..

But there's someone I've been thinking about a lot lately. Someone that I've bee able to spend some time with. But I don't want this person to be just a friend. I want more than that with this person. I would rather not say the name of this person, since most know who it is. Would rather not say it if said person reads this - which is unlikely. Anyways. I smile at the thought of their smile. I love their laugh and how this person makes me feel. I know we all have dreams at night. But mine have become more vivid. And this person has made quite a few appearances. Right now though, we're just friends. As much as I would want to try and make it more...I don't know if it will happen. Or if it ever will... I want to say so much more, but I will have to physically write that down as to not give away whom this person is...

I've been told to just let it see where it goes. But there's that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says to say something, to give it a boost. But I've got nothing to say, really. I've been rejected before, and I don't think I want to do that again...especially with this person...

So, we'll see...

And if anyone guesses a name, the comment will be deleted.

Lacking

So many things have perspired in the past couple of weeks. I find myself smiling...smiling about what? Different things that could happen, or have happened. I really don't remember the last time I smiled as much as I have in the past few weeks. I've enjoyed the company of so many people, so many great friends...

But what I want is still lacking. It's been two years since my last serious relationship. I was engaged. To a man that really hadn't grown up. He considered playing video games all night on XBOX and on the computer fun. I did, but I wanted to go out. His way of going out was getting food from WaWa thus letting me gain forty pounds. I was unhappy. It was one of the most unhappiest times of my life when I was with him that last summer of 2008. I remember not being happy, and everyone around me could see it. But I didn't. I talked to my parents one night, and then my friends. I wasn't happy with him, or with how I had been. I was unhealthy. Completely. It was a toxic relationship. There was a major deal breaker, and that really closed the deal on me not wanting to be with him anymore. For those that now, I'm proud of myself to have given him the boot.

The day he left, he was upset. He was crying. I wasn't. I was glad to see him go. He hadn't worked hard enough to make the relationship work. He and I both pushed each other away. I did not want to be in something that brought me down so much. Over the next couple of days, my mom would tell me that it wasn't right for me to have dismissed his feelings. He had dismissed mine long before that. He was the reason I didn't want to be in a relationship for the longest time. And after so much time, so many nights alone, I want to be in one again. I miss having someone to talk to, to laugh with, to cuddle with. I miss having someone look me in the eye and tell me that I'm worth it. That I'm beautiful. That I mean something to them...I don't want to wait any longer. And I do not, DO NOT, want to sound desperate, because I'm not. I'm just exhausted of carrying so much weight on my shoulders, because I have no one to talk to really...

There's no one that really knows me, because I am such a private person. But I want to open up to someone. I want to show myself to someone that I know would want to be apart of me and my life. My life is a mess, just like my room at the moment. Yes, I have a steady full-time job, and a part-time job on Saturdays. But that doesn't mean I have it all together. Who of us really does anyway? I know I don't. I haven't for a while...

 I can't talk to anyone at work. I don't feel like I can express myself there to anyone. I'm not one for really wanting my life put out there with my co-workers because I feel that they will go and talk about it to someone else there. The whole wedding drama is something I'm not happy with, and it isn't fair, but I ignore it. Why? Because no one there really listens to what I have to say about it...

It hurts like hell that I don't have someone that I can call up and talk to. I don't want to bother anyone with what I'm going through, because everyone is going through something. This blog is the only way I can express myself and tell the world what I'm feeling. Even if it's the super short version of it all. I feel really good when I get everything out here, even if it's not everything. It's something. I've put something out here...and it makes me feel a tiny bit better...

Hi. I'm a bookaholic. Have we met?

I've thus named myself a bookaholic. I've been a lover of books for as long as I can remember. My mom even remembers me always loving books.

There's just something about running your hand over the cover a new book and feeling the pages between your fingers. Seeing the words on the page and you dive into a world created by the author for you to read. I have dove into so many great reads the past few months that it's hard to name them all. Here's a few though...

Have Read:
"Barefoot" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Summer People" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown
"Garden Spells" by Sarah Addison Allen
"The Sugar Queen" by Sarah Addison Allen
"The Girl Who Chased The Moon" by Sarah Addison Allen
"True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks
"The Horse Boy" by Rupert Isaacson
"Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen
"Riding Lessons" by Sara Gruen
"Flying Changes" by Sara Gruen
"A Bend in the Road" by Nicholas Sparks
"Clockwork Angel" by Cassandra Clare
"The Mortal Instrument" Trilogy by Cassandra Clare (actually read quite a while, but wanted to include them)

I do have a big stack of books that have yet to be read, and I'll try to remember and strike them off the list once they are read...bare with me - it's a long list!

To Be Read:
"Son of a Witch" by Gregory Maquire
"A Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maquire
"Halo" by Alexandra Adornetto
"The Island" by Elin Hilderbrand
"Fairy Tale" by Cyn Balog
"Sleepless" by Cyn Balog
"Summer Affair"; "Blue Bistro"; "The Castaways"; "Nantucket Nights" all by Elin Hilderbrand
"On Mystic Lake" by Kristin Hannah
"The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks
"The Cradle" by Patrick Somerville
"Someone Else's Daughter" by Elizabeth Brundage
"The Host" by Stephenie Meyer

Yes, that is a LONG list! I don't care. All those books will be read. There are books that I am currently in the middle of, too! But that list is short. I'm finishing up "The Hunger Games" trilogy. Didn't take me that long to read at all. And then I promised my friend I'd read "Eat Pray Love" so her and I can go see the movie. So I know what book I'm reading next, at least. After that, I'm in no man's land.

Also, I know I would like to have one of those electronic book things. But...I don't want to stare at a screen all the time. It'd be GREAT for traveling, if I traveled, that is. Getting one of those, to me, would make me lose the connection with the author. I wouldn't be able to feel the cover of the book and flip through the pages. I would just be staring at a screen and with a press of a button, the page would turn. I'm not against it at all, but makes it less personable to me. Having a book physically in my hands makes everything more comforting. Knowing that I can snuggle up under the blankets and read, or sit down at the peach or by a pool and read. It's something I love to do, and reading brings out a new world for me. I cannot tell you how many times I have lost track of time because of me reading a book. I love the feeling of being taken away to another world, and getting attached to the characters in each of the books.

Books have their way of letting me escape from reality and step into a world where my imagination is key.

Books are something I cherish, and they are apart of me.

Another World

There is something I would like to share about a place that has become an escape for me. It's a place that has become a second home for me in different ways. And that place is...the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.

I remember going to the Faire many, many years ago while in Middle School. I remember being brought up onto a stage by someone that was with the Queen at the time. I vaguely remember what they look like though. I remember I was happy. I wanted to be there. It wasn't until 2005 that I went again, and I wanted to keep going. 2008 came, and I was able to go to the Faire with the summer camp I work with. I fell in love. That season, I went quite a few times, and during that time, I have met some incredible people. And made some really good friends, too.

The Faire has become an escape for me. I step in through those magical gates and step into an entirely different world. Nothing that goes on on the outside gates matters that much. I forget about any of the troubles that I have been going through and enjoy myself. I enjoy time with the friends I've made there, and the people I know. I do what I want to do in that time, because it takes me away from all things that have been bothering me. It's a real escape for me to step into another time and place.

I am grateful that I am able to make the drive there and be able to experience this kind of magic. I am grateful for the people I have met and the people I will meet there. I know that we all will enjoy each others company through-out the season. I am grateful for the actors who walk the streets of the Shire and engage each and every patron with a smile and greeting; and for stopping to talk to people and get them involved. It's incredible, and I am in love with the place and the people there!

What more can I say?? I'm a Rennie.

Day One

Today was the first day of my work out regiment that I have planned for myself. I am going to be getting up early each morning before work to do Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred. I've done it before, but not for 30 consecutive days. I've done it here and there, but never really done it each day. The first few days are always tough, because my body is changing with the program. I've already been eating better. I don't over-eat as much as I used to in the past, which is definitely a step up. I've lost the 40lbs that I gained two summers ago in a matter of 4 months. And ever since then I have been on a funk. I cannot seem to figure out what is going on, but I know what it is. I'm eating right, yes, BUT I have to start in with the work outs. I want to be in a better place with my body. I'm not comfortable with how I look, and I never have been. So here's the start of my new take on working out. It's hard. Countless times during the dvd I had to catch my breath. But as Jillian says in the DVD, "If you need to rest, do it only for 5 seconds, then get right back into it." She wants our bodies to change, and to induce change - you have to put pressure on your body. I want to have that body image in my head of me wearing smaller sizes in clothes. I'm striving towards it, and for me to get there, I have to push myself.

Stay tuned for the next installment of my 30 day work out! And much more...

On My Way!

I am definitely on my way. On Thursday, I joined Weight Watchers Online and am SO pumped to kick the last of these pounds! I just have to encourage myself to stay within my daily points and not go over. I'm so happy with myself! I really do hope that I can do this and break passed the weight that I've been wanting to lose for a long time now.

I'm just ready to get rid of these pounds and be able to fit into the clothes that I've been wanting to for sooooo long!

Keep posted for my updates on my progress. I'm really excited and proud of myself!! :)

"Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind." (Alice Meynell)

I don't know why, but my mind seems to come alive at night. The silence awakens something inside and the words just flow out. It's the calmness of the night that allows me to think clearly on the day, or whatever can be on my mind.

Things have escalated the past week. I started talking to a guy. He's...amazing. We haven't met in person, but the way we talk on the phone makes me feel like we've known each other for a long time. I know, I know. With my history of meeting people over the internet...I shouldn't do it again. I know. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to even meet someone through the dating site I joined. I really didn't, and I haven't been on it for even a month yet. We talked for so long on the phone...twice we've done that, and well, we get along. We mesh, which is definitely a good thing. We talked about anything and everything, and it was nice to have someone like that for a change. There are so many things that have conspired between the two of us, that we've already had a few serious discussions. Well, one big one. It was a bit heart breaking at first, but I came to the realization that I hadn't even met this man in person yet and I was getting upset about it. Why was I getting upset about it in the first place? Perhaps it's because I was so excited that he and I were able to even talk about such a thing and we're so into each other - we make each other laugh, and we're just. He and I are friends right now. I can tell you that much. It's just, the discussion we had made me think really hard on so many different levels. I've had to question myself, and seek advice. But yet again, I had to stop myself because I've only known the guy a week. A week. Why am I rocketing myself into something that hasn't even left the ground yet? I don't understand why I do that, but I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't think so hard into things when there's nothing to be done about it yet. I haven't met him in person; therefore, I cannot make any concrete decisions. But...what's the harm in talking about it with friends and getting their advice? No harm, really.

Oye. I just have a lot on my plate right now. SO much to do, AND to top it all off. I have, tonight, come up with a room to-do list. Yes. For those that have seen the depths of my azurean room, you know that it's catastrophic. For an entire month I have been working 7 days straight, and hadn't caught a break. And now that I'm back to working six days a week, I have Sundays off. Now. I've compiled a list that I need to get done with my room. And I'm praying. PRAYING. That I'll be able to get it done. I have to. It's mandatory. I know it'll be incredibly hard, but...in the end - it'll be worth it.

The thing that really got me thinking about cleaning MY room is the show, "Clean House". I watch the show incessantly. I've watched and really would love for my room to be organized and not for it to be the cluttered chaos that it is now. I have too many shirts -- I have to admit I'm a shirt horder. I love the vintage tees from Hot Topic, and have a few. So I have to get a few out. I have to get storage containers. I have to get my DVDs organzied, too. Closet. Clothes. Desk. Bookshelf. So much to do. I have to get it done, and I know I'll feel like I have accomplished something when I have gotten it done! I just have to get it all done in increments.

Pray for me while I attempt to clean my cluttered chaos, and aim for clean happiness...and a happy room.

Taking the Initiative

There have been things lately that I haven't been able to really comprehend. Things that I haven't really considered even posting here. I bought an actual journal last weekend, and have written in it a few times already, and it's helped so much. But there are times I find myself wondering what the entire world thinks about things. So here goes, and feel free to pass judgement; it's in our human nature to do so.

Things in my life haven't been what I call smooth, as of lately. I've been working my ass off at my two jobs, and I feel so grateful that I have a job in this day and age. But then the bills come, and I realize that all my hard work goes to something that I really wish I didn't have to pay. It's not only bills that have made me think about life, because they are far from my mind at this point in time. I find myself not as happy as I wish I could be...

Last night I went to up to the Victorian Christmas in town, and there were a lot of people there. I haven't seen so many people in town in quite some time. But the teenagers were terrible. They idled in the streets and sidewalks, and made the scene quite impossible to enjoy. It was another night for them to be able to be out and about, but they seemed to just not get the idea of the time that the town had set up. I forgave them for not holding the door open at Wawa, and not stepping to the side when I said, "Excuse me." But there comes a time and a place when you need to just push past people in order to get to where you need to go. And that's exactly what I did, I had to sweep past most of them. I walked on my own through the streets that I have known so very well since I was a kid. I walked through the Park, and caught a glimpse of the man as Santa Claus, and the children about him so excited to see him. They couldn't wait to sit up on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas. It was a treat to see, honestly. I continued my way up through the park and to the Church. I could see up ahead the carriage rides. The 76 Carriage Company from Philadelphia had made the journey to give those that bought advanced tickets rides in the carriages. The horses were gorgeous, and I stood and watched them make their way away and around the block. It was then I went into the church and listened to a bit of the caroling. I walked home that night frustrated and distraught at the teenagers I had to push through in order to get home after stopping to get food. I had to get over it, and I did, but it was frustrating, nonetheless.

Why am I writing this, you ask? Because I find it funny how "pushing" and "shoving" is a way you have to do things in the world in order to succeed, and to get yourself noticed. It's something I haven't had to do, but I want to shove past SO many things and get on with what I want to do in life. I didn't get accepted to Wilson College, which was a downer. I must admit that, but it won't slow me down. I know I have to finish my Associate's and then I'm going to re-apply.

I'm taking the initiative and am going to do a bit of "pushing" and a bit of "shoving" to get what I need done in order to be happier and achieve what I need to.

And I'm hoping I can. :)